Feelings of being a relationship failure, are common in the aftershock of a relationship break down or break up.
You may be at breaking point. Do you stay to repair, and rebuild your relationship? Do you walk away.
If you stay, you could threaten your own values and sense of identity. If you leave, you could threaten your values and identity. What do you do?
No wonder people say they are heartbroken. It seems you are damned if you do, and damned if don't.
If this is a relationship pattern that has repeated itself, time after time, you could well find yourself in a state of learned helplessness.
It is time to bust this myth of relationship failure, once and for all.
The questions you have running wild through your mind are powerful guiding forces. The questions you ask yourself about your relationship, your partner, and yourself will trigger consequences just as surely as knocking down that first domino will flatten hours, days or even weeks of effort. Except relationship break ups are not so fascinating to watch as a domino rally.
In any situation, it is the meaning that we attach that creates our reality. Meaning is found through our values and beliefs, but more importantly in the quality of questions we are willing to ask ourselves. Seek and you will find.
If you ask a better quality question, you will get a better relationship.
The trouble is, most people ask the wrong questions.
What questions do you ask when the relationship breaks down? You have probably heard the "It's not you" response once maybe twice.
Why is it over?
Why are you leaving me?
Why cant we just work this out?
Why Why Why? Repeat at will.
It's not you, it's me. You know you don't believe that so you say to yourself "Why am I such a relationship failure?"
Guess what. Every time you direct your brain with that question (or derivative of it) your brain fishes out every single point of reference of you messing up that it can recall. And it's better than Google! Page after page of data answering that very specific question.
Maybe the myth of relationship failure is all in your mind anyway. It's your memory and recall playing tricks on you because you punched the wrong keywords in the search engine.
The great news is, if your relationship failure is all in your mind, then so is your solution. You simply have to stop repeating the same patterns of thinking that created the problem.
Do that now. Give yourself a few minutes to notice your thoughts about your relationship breakup or breakdown. Notice the images, the sounds and the feelings those thoughts elicit. Notice the very specific questions that come to mind about your relationship, your partner, your self.
Are they aligned with who you really are, and what you really want? Now take another few minutes and answer the following questions:
How would you imagine your relationship break up or breakdown serving you in more positive ways? If you could, what would you say?
Are there any gaps in your thinking about the highest positive outcome?
What positive learning is there for you in this situation?
Haven't you ever known love? Haven't you ever given yourself fully over to love another completely?
Have you been burned by love? At least you tried. You gave love, unconditionally. That is not failure. The only real relationship failure is failing to learn and grow. How can you not learn to love and grow even more now?
"Mistakes are portals of opportunity"
Quality relationship questions help you achieve more frequently those emotional states which are most desirable to you. The help you live to your highest values.
What action could you take to help you embed this new insight and understanding?
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