Suffering a relationship break up can be a significant emotional event that could leave your emotions in tatters. People may come and go in your life, but let's face it, some break ups can be a total relief. Everyone you meet has the potential to make you smile. Some when they arrive, and some when they leave.
Sometimes suffering can last much longer than it really needs to. Sometimes suffering holds you back from achieving your full potential
The Relationship Breakthrough Coach is for anyone who is ready to transform their suffering into celebration. These surprisingly simple life coaching secrets to surviving a relationship break up are available to you right now.
Before you dive any deeper, here's a quick overview of whats coming up on this page:
When relationships break up it can be devastating. Not only emotionally heart breaking but physically and even financially. When you lose your focus, everything is at stake.
We have almost been conditioned to feel the pain of heartbreak. You can hear it in the songs. You can see it in movies. They all tell the story. But did you know it is the story we tell ourselves that does all the damage?
The story we tell ourselves is related to meaning. Meaning is related to feelings and emotion which in turn triggers our response. Before you read on, just stop a moment and ask yourself what was the primary reason your last relationship broke up. What meaning did you attribute to that?
People come out of a relationship break up and start whining to everyone they know and love
Why would they do that to me?
How could they do that to me?
Why am I always the one who is an emotional wreck?
Why are all women ... ?
Why are all men ... ?
Why why why?
Stop "why-ning" and ask yourself a better question. The meaning will change which changes the entire experience.
A big step in reducing suffering is education and understanding. Firstly, you are not the only one who ever experienced this. Although that might not be particularly helpful it is usually comforting to realise that you are not losing your mind. You are not alone. You are merely experiencing emotions.
There are reasons why relationships are important to us, not only for the survival of the species but also for meeting our individual human needs. Most people do not think of relationship break up in terms of human needs.
You could look for causes outside the relationship such as an affair. You can look at the relationship itself and discover there is no "spark".
If there is a lack of communication, that could impact dramatically on whether a relationship makes it or not. In the context of a relationship if your fundamental needs are not met there may be trouble ahead.
According to eminent business and life coach Anthony Robbins, there are six fundamental human needs which are:
1. Certainty (stability, reliability, integrity, trust)
2. Uncertainty (variety, adventure, spontaneity, fun)
3. Significance (importance, priority, interest)
4. Connection (love, intimacy, understanding, flow)
These human needs influence the way we think and the way we act. Everything we experience in life will trigger one or more of these needs at varying degrees. In the context of your relationship rank them in order of importance for you. Then see your relationship through the eyes of your partner rank them as your partner might.
Do you notice they are exactly the same or are there differences?
Focus on the human need for certainty and significance. Having a scale of one to ten, where ten was absolute and one was zero:
What level of certainty do you experience in your relationship?
How significant did you feel to your "significant" other?
How does that make you feel?
What level of certainty do you think your partner experiences in your relationship?
How significant do they feel in relationship with you?
How does that make you feel?
The point of these life coaching questions is not to feel sorry for yourself but to recognise that we are all unique. We all have a unique blueprint. We all have our very own master key system. If you try and use your own master key to unlock your partners human needs you will like find the doors shut fast. If you access their blueprint and meet their needs, you may well see a welcome difference.
People often think infidelity, finances, lack of intimacy or communication are the major causes of relationship break. Those are only symptoms of a deeper level human needs problems.
Question: How can anyone who is fully committed, with deep connection to their partner ever be unfaithful?
An affair may make a person feel a sense of variety, (uncertainty) significance and connection. When you peel the layers back you see that somewhere along the way there were red flags in a relationship well before the affair .
How significant will they make the partner feel?
(check out Do It Yourself Life Coaching Courses to learn more about emotions and the six human needs)
Is there a right time to break up your relationship?
Some people will walk away from a troubled relationship because they are getting nothing from it. Their needs are not being met. But, when you really think things through the bottom line is that you are no longer giving anything to the relationship. That is a clear signal that something isn't right.
You may have heard people say finding someone you will be happy to live with is the answer. I would say find the one you don't want to be without. Yes that may sound intense but I am not talking about stalking and harassing the person!
When you find love look for that spark that you would literally walk on hot coals for them. By the way, you can walk on hot coals. I know because I did it myself at a life coaching event. (See if there any upcoming life coaching events to consider for yourself)
The moment you become aware that you are no longer connecting, contributing or communicating with your partner should be a red flag. The moment you give up on turning things around is time to leave. You both deserve so much more and if you cannot commit to each other you should commit to releasing each other. And living with the consequences.
You have to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for. If you are prepared to make sacrifice. If you are prepared to invest in your relationship. If you can take steps in this direction you could discover a breakthrough and could come through it even stronger. If you are not committed to making a relationship work you should break up. You both deserve so much more in a relationship.
According to Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are five key stages of grief. Although the five stages were attributed to grieving the end of life, they are still relevant to relationship break up.
Stage One: Denial
Denial is like saying this will never happen to me, they would never do that. Denial is refusing to believe that the relationship is over.
Stage Two: Anger
Anger is a powerful emotional response that is intended to protect you but can so easily become destructive if you do not recognise it. Read more on the Power Of Anger.
Stage Three: Bargaining
Bargaining is the feeling that if you do this they will do that. How many times do people feel guilty about something then attempt to win back the love with gifts? This could also relate to trying to rekindle the flame. After all, sleeping with your ex may seem like a better idea than depression. The warning here is that if the relationship is over, you are only delaying the inevitable.
Stage Four: Depression
You could suffer a feeling of depression through any of the above stages. Hopelessness, uncertainty and anxiety could also be familiar, but this is still an important phase of the stages of grief and it doesn't have to last forever. It is absolutely normal to feel low when faced with unexpected changes, especially if there are changes you didn't want. It takes time to readjust and establish new routines. The good news is that you have an opportunity to really enhance your new routines.
Stage Five: Acceptance
Before you can move forward with your life, you have to accept where you are. This can come as relief for some and lead to further challenges for others. Acceptance may come at earlier stages but beware that the anger or denial may still be lurking under the surface.
If there are divorce proceedings to follow the relationship break up, the early stages may be prolonged. It is important to recognise that your partner will be experiencing the same stages in their own way.
You may recognise the emotional turbulence from your experience of a relationship break up. The important thing is that whilst there is no clear chronology to how you will respond. You may go from Denial to anger and then back to denial before you go through bargaining. You would likely go through the stages of grief after a relationship break up before you fully accept that it is over and then moved to a sixth stage called "Growth".
So far I have revealed the six human needs and the five stages of a relationship break up. Not all relationship break ups are traumatic. In fact some are celebrated. When a friend announced an impending divorce I offered my congratulations. They were surprised but delighted that with the acknowledgement. That one simple compliment helped validate them.
You already know how the story you tell yourself, and others, about what happened has a massive impact. If you change the story, you change the meaning, if you change the meaning you change the response. Right?
Life Coaching could help you put those changes in motion. Life coaching can help you shift your focus on the goals you want to achieve in your life, despite hurdles like relationship break up.
Wherever you place your focus is where you will experience results. If you focus on pain, hurt, heartbreak, and suffering that will determine your results.
If you focus on forgiveness gratitude, growth and even expressing loving kindness you will experience a whole different result. Find more healing processes under the Power of Life Coaching.
In times of great adversity come great advances. Think of the scientific advances in terms of understanding earthquakes, tsunami's or volcano's. Just think of huge advances in technology that are made during war, or even a flu pandemic. When all of the worlds energies, resources, skills, experience and abilities are focused upon a solution, many problems are overcome.
In times of relationship break up it is time to focus all your energies, resources, skills, experience and abilities on healing the wound, preventing recurrence and then growing from a whole new perspective.
Learning about yourself, your core values and needs is a great way to grow and thrive after a relationship break up. In the words of Marianne Williamson, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." Imagine that power isn't only in some of us, it is in everyone. Focus on your solutions not the problems, and you can utilise that power.
When a thief breaks through a door you get it replaced and put on a stronger lock. When someone breaks your heart, you put up barriers. Barriers to being in love. Barriers to trusting or committing to anyone. Barriers to connecting with anyone on a deeper level. Barriers to achieving what you truly desire.
The quickest way to heal relationship wounds is through the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift of love you give to yourself. We all know that time can be a great healer. But why would you deny yourself the most powerful healing emotion of all, love?
When you focus upon learning the true lessons of a relationship break up you can experience the power of gratitude. When you are grateful the hurt disappears. You reconnect with your true self, with your soul.
What can you be grateful for that this relationship break up has revealed to you? Think about your partner again and how you express gratitude toward them in your own mind.
What can you learn about your core values in a relationship?
What are the positive learnings?
Have you ever communicated your core values with a partner, or encouraged them to share theirs? This is powerful and illuminating process from the life coaching for couples sessions. But it doesn't only apply to couples coaching. Personal breakthroughs are just as valuable.
Things can get pretty messed up pretty quickly during a relationship break up. But out of chaos comes new order. Out of confusion can come new insights and understanding. That is why taking time out to review what is most important to you in life can lead to dramatic and positive change. My guess is that given a choice between suffering and working on your dreams and visions you would spend time with the latter.
Life coaching with the Relationship Breakthrough Coach could help reset your thoughts, emotions and decisions in alignment with your highest values. I cant promise you that life coaching sessions will solve all your relationship problems, but it will help you leave the past behind you!
To Your Success!
Relationship Breakthrough Coach provides life coaching in Mossley, Tameside, Uppermill, Saddleworth, and all surrounding areas. Sessions are available for men, women and couples who are ready to transform their health wealth and relationships.
Life coaching is a journey of self discovery. Your journey starts with your next step. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the next step. The power of life coaching will unlock your personal power to overcome obstacles that show up while you get to work on your dreams.
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