Surprisingly simple secrets to surviving a relationship break up

Suffering a relationship break up can be a significant emotional event that will really mess with your emotions. Relationships may come and go and, lets face it, some break ups can be a total relief but sometimes the damage caused can be traumatic. 

This page is for anyone who has lost their way because their relationship broke down. Grieving a lost relationship can be like losing a partner through illness, accident or even death as you will discover below. Before we dive any deeper, here's a quick overview of whats coming up on this page:

What you will discover on this page:

  • What are the major reasons for relationship break up 
  • When should you break up
  • Why is relationship break up so painful
  • Emotional stages of a relationship break up 
  • How to break up without breaking down
  • How to survive relationship break up​
  • Transform a relationship break up into a breakthrough

What are the major reasons for relationship break up

These surprisingly simple secrets to surviving a relationship break up are available right now, whatever the circumstances of your personal situation 

What is the most obvious reason, the first thing that come to mind, that relationships break down? 

You could say the relationship is all at sea:

Communication.

Connection.

Compassion. 

Contribution.

Commitment.

Companionship.

Think of each one of these values and rank them in order of importance for you. You will no doubt suggest that they are all important, however we are all unique and your own unconscious values system will be able to rank them (Even if you just mentally process this task do it before reading further).

Now think about your partner, or ex-partner. Would they write the list in the exact same way? Lets say, for example, that you think Commitment is the number one relationship value, and you think your partner values commitment at the same level as you. Even if that were true, do you think your unique ways of experiencing and expressing commitment are the same? If they are not the same, how do you know how to meet their needs? Hold on to that thought.


When these fundamental 'C's are out of balance you could be in for rough sea's. You may even have to face the storm!

People often think about infidelity, finances, or lack of intimacy as the major causes of relationship crisis but realise that those are only symptoms of a deeper level problem. What I might call "a presenting problem." 

Take the story of a partner being unfaithful. When you peel the layers back you see that somewhere along the way the relationship was in distress before that unfaithfulness occurred. 

The break down was just a symptom of a bigger underlying problem that has remained hidden. Question: How can anyone who is fully committed, or even fully connected to their partner be unfaithful? 

What steps would you take if you were fully committed to your partner? How would you communicate if your partner was fully contributing to meet your needs. What level connection do you have with your partner? How does that feel in terms of your compassion or companionship with her?

Human needs psychology suggests that at least two of the above list (connection and contribution) are fundamental to making us feel good about ourselves. If they are compromised or threatened in any way it can leave a negative emotion or feeling. (check out your Online Relationshp Academy for more about emotions and the six human needs)

When should you break up?

The right time to break up your relationship is the moment when you become aware that you are no longer connecting, contributing or communicating with your partner. If you lose the emotional connection with her, or you are uncertain about your commitment you might stop contributing to the relationship. If you are not giving, and your partner isn't getting it won't be long before the storm comes. It takes two to get together but it only takes one to end the relationship.

Sometimes communication can resolve a million different thoughts and concerns. Talking to your partner or someone about how you feel about the relationship and why things are different can be a powerful, courageous step you take. 

You have to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for. If you are prepared to make sacrifice. If you are prepared to compromise. If you do this and you are both committed you could come away even stronger.  If you are not committed to breaking up you really must commit to each other fully.

I understand that surviving relationship abuse may be a different story. In that case, or even in a case of surviving a toxic relationship the emphasis is on surviving the relationship, not the break up.

Why is relationship break up so painful?

When relationships fall apart it can be emotionally heart breaking. You can hear it in the songs. You can see it in movies. Pass the kleenex! 

Elizabeth Kubler Ross presents a surprisingly simple explanation of how grief comes in stages but I will get into that in more detail later. What most people want to know is Why? Or How?

What do people  going through a relationship break up generally ask themselves?

  • Why would they do that to me?
  • How could they do that to me?
  • Why am I always the one who is an emotional wreck?
  • Why are all women ... ?
  • Why are all men ... ?
  • Why me?

Stop "why-ning" for a minute and ask a better question. The whole meaning of the experience will change. 

The story we tell ourselves is related to meaning. Meaning is related to feelings and emotion which in turn triggers our response. Before you read on, just stop a moment and ask yourself what was the primary meaning you attributed to why your last relationship broke up. 

Now ask yourself what could you learn from that level about your values. 

Five Key Emotional stages of  breaking up

Five Stages of Grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance 

According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross there are five key stages to grieving loss. Although the five stages of grief are attributed to the loss of life of a loved one, the emotional impact can be just the same when face the loss of a once loving relationship. 

Click on the link  five key emotional stages of breaking up.

How to break up without breaking down

One of the most important tools you can have in your tool belt is a great sense of humour. An even better tool to have is a great sense of adventure. I mean epic! There have been some epic stories told about relationships in the movies but here your get to tell your own. You become the director. You become the author. It's awesome to share heroic stories funny stories and down right tear jerkers to inspire and motivate your fellow brothers. 

Not all relationships are traumatic, but all breakthroughs are beyond therapeutic. See if you can earn a completely free breakthrough coaching session by sharing your story about how to break up without breaking down

If you can master your emotions, you can certainly manage a relationship break up without breaking down. Enrol in the Emotions Masterclass for men ready for you in your Online Relationship Academy. But before you go there...

How to survive relationship break up

In times of great adversity come even greater advances. Think of the scientific advances in terms of understanding earthquakes, tsunami's or volcano's. Think of advances in technology that come out of warfare.

We all have our resources, skills, experience and abilities. In times of great adversity it is time to focus all your energies on healing or resolving the damage. And then, preventing it from occurring again. 

When a burglar smashes through a door you get it replaced and put on a stronger lock. So what do you do when someone breaks your heart? You put up barriers. Barriers to love. Barriers to being in love. Barriers to trusting or committing to anyone. Barriers to connecting with anyone on a deeper level. 

We all know that time can be a great healer. But why would you deny yourself the most powerful healing emotion of all, love? 

Learning about yourself, your values, and needs is a great way to return to love. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. In the words of Marianne Williamson, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Imagine that this healing power of love isn't only in some of us, it is in everyone. 

The quickest way to heal your relationship wounds will be through the power of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift of love you give to yourself. 

The power of learning the meanings and the true lesson of your relationship break up is unleashed as gratitude.  What can you be grateful for that this lesson has revealed to you? Can you deeply connect with the power of gratitude?

Think about your partner again and how you judged their ranking of the C's. What can you learn? Have you ever communicate your own values, or encouraged your partner to share theirs? This is powerful and illuminating exercise that I take couples through one of the couples relationship coaching sessions.

Transform a relationship break up into a breakthrough

Things can get pretty messed up pretty quickly during the break up of a relationship. The emotional consequences of a relationship break up can have a dramatic impact upon your behaviours and thoughts in unexpected ways. This will show up in all area's of your life. Your health, your wealth and your relationships with everyone else around you. 

Life coaching with the Relationship Breakthrough Coach will realign your thoughts, emotions and decisions with your highest values. I cant promise you that life coaching sessions will solve all your relationship problems, and keep you together, but it will help you keep it together even if the relationship falls apart! 

Make an enquiry today with a completely free, no obligation coaching consultation

Next Steps:

Hope you found your visit to the Relationship Breakthrough Coach of value today. I am adding new content all the time but if you have any idea's or topics you would really love to see here, get in touch and let me know.

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