How To Handle The Excruciating Emotional Impact of Divorce 

The impact of divorce goes way beyond a court order or a financial settlement. Forget about financial planning, because just when you think you can get your head around the financial cost of divorce, the excruciating emotional impact shows up in the shadows!

Learn about the unexpected hurdles that can show up and profoundly impact your emotional health long after the dust has settled on your divorce.

Food for thought about the impact of divorce:

  • The universal impact of divorce
  • Impact of divorce on your standard of living
  • Impact of divorce on your business
  • Impact of divorce on your physical health
  • Impact of divorce on your emotional health
  • Impact of divorce on your relationship with your children
  • Impact of divorce from a bullying or toxic ex wife
  • How did I survive the impact of divorce?

The universal impact of divorce 

Relationships break down all the time and it isn't something people usually prepare for. Take Rudolf Valentino for example. A name that could be the epitome of love and romance. In fact, he had the shortest Hollywood marriage according to The Guinness Book of Records.  Screen legend Valentino married actress Jean Acker in 1919 but the service was barely over before she had second thoughts. Acker locked her new husband out of their honeymoon suite. After 20 minutes knocking Valentino went home and that was that. 

It may be the end of a painful relationship but it could also be the catalyst for a relationship breakthrough. Necessity is the mother of invention. When the need for something becomes imperative, you are forced to find ways of getting or achieving it. 

If you are in the midst of a relationship break up looking for a path can be confusing, daunting even. If you get it wrong, it could cost much more than you think. Maintenance payments, child care payments, sale of property, shared pension benefits, business profits and so on. Make sure you get the right level professional legal advice to suit your individual needs. A few hundred or even a few million invested now could minimise the impact on your standard of living and save you a small fortune in future. 

Impact of divorce on your standard of living

In one of the largest divorce settlements ever agreed by a UK court the former wife of an oil and gas trader was awarded £453 million. The couple were not named, but he was 61, originally from the Caucasus, while the woman, 44, was born in eastern Europe. The couple accused each other of having affairs during their marriage which spanned 20 years. 

During the hearings, the man gave evidence to the court via video-link from his yacht, which cost €260m and underwent a €42m refit in 2016. The woman said she needed £39.27m to purchase a home in England and £27.89m to buy a property abroad. How about that for an impact of divorce? She also claimed £5.36m a year to live on. Poor thing. 

The couple had marital assets worth £1bn. Judge Haddon-Cave concluded, “The total value of her claim is now, therefore, £453,576,152. This comprises some 41.5% of the total marital assets. I find that this figure is justified in all the circumstances.”

Source: Guardian News & Media Limited

Impact of divorce on your business

A high profile divorce case of Jones v Jones concerned the value of a business in relation to matrimonial proceedings. When they married, the husband owned a business worth around £2million. By the time they had separated, it was worth £12 million, but was sold the following year with a net profit of £25 million.

The court held that the latent potential of the business at the start of the marriage should be considered as a “springboard” in the valuation. This meant that the proper valuation for the company at the start of the marriage was £9 million, rather than £2 million. On that basis, the court held that the matrimonial portion of the business should be valued at £16 million, and divided equally.

Source: Vardags (read more amazing high profile divorce cases)

Impact of divorce on your physical health

Divorced or separated men and women drink more than married couples, recent studies indicate. Author and psychiatrist Mark Banschick suggests that instead of taking care of themselves with things like yoga or meditation, or going to therapy, people try to escape the impact of divorce in immature ways.

Many newly divorced people "become like teenagers in heat, which experts say, is a dangerous path to take.

Anything can become a crutch, not just booze and drugs. Food, cigarettes, caffeine, sex. All are attractive stress relievers, and divorce is stressful, even amicable divorces. 

Source: Huffpost - Why Divorced People Turn to Bad Habits To Cope

Impact of divorce on your emotional health

Since around 1990, men have been at least three times as vulnerable to death from suicide. The Samaritans suggest the risk is due to a complex set of reasons, including increased family breakdown. The greatest risk is among divorced men, who in 2015 were almost three times more likely to end their lives than men who were married or in a civil partnership. 

Source: ONS - UK Office of National Statistics

And it isn't just us mere mortals. Norwegian ex-royal Ari Behn killed himself on Christmas Day because he hated being called a 'clown' after divorce from Princess Martha Louise - while she began dating Gwyneth Paltrow's bisexual 'spiritual mentor' (as reported in the Daily Mail)

Thats why your physical and emotional health is even more important.  Check out some more info about Mens Health and stress.

Impact of divorce on your relationship with your children

It is pretty obvious that the impact of divorce on your relationship with your children will be profound. You don’t get to see your kids grow. You don’t get to share moments with them like the school play, the first goal for the soccer team, the first crush, and its tough. In fact, it tears me apart to have clients break down because they believe they aren't there for them. 

And every time you see them, you get to say “Goodbye” and experience searing heartache all over again. You have to do what is right for you, and for your kids. My life changed after I divorced but the impact wasn't always positive. My relationship with my kids was like being on a rollercoaster. Which brings me to an important message to share. The impact of divorcing a toxic wife or bully.  

Impact of divorce from a bullying or toxic ex wife

Many men suffer the impact of a toxic or bullying ex wife. Usually in silence. If you think you had a tough time getting through the courts the impact of divorce could get worse. 

Recognise these common manipulative tactics that might show up as you try to move on with your life:

1. Withholding access to your children.

This is one of the cruelest and most vicious bully tactics. She’s mad at you for having a new girlfriend, or giving the kids junk food. It is difficult enough introducing your new partner to your family without interference from your ex.

Some men suffer emotional turmoil of having to renew children's wardrobe when they collect them for the weekend. The mother does everything in her power to make it difficult for you to keep a relationship with them, but is ultimately hurting them too.

2. Belittling your parenting.

Everything you do with the kids is stupid, shocking, terrible and wrong. If you buy gifts, or send them home with the children she will even criticise the gift in front of the child. 

I once bought a pair of trainers (sneakers) but my kid was so traumatised by his mothers response he handed them back to me next time I saw him. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, in her eyes.

3. Micro-managing your interactions with your kids

You want to take your kids camping? Unasked, she sends along sunscreen and bug spray. You want to take them abroad, she withholds the passports. You ask if you can pick the kids up at 6:00 pm, and she says 5:00 pm just to be the boss. You say you’re going to take the kids to a new movie, so she takes them herself. 

It can be hard to rise above it, but just remember one thing; your ex's bickering impacts your kids. So focus on building a positive relationship with them, instead of engaging in a negative battle with her. The most important thing is that your kids have a happy, rock-solid relationship with you.

How did I survive the impact of divorce?

Pretty badly until I got it together. My light bulb moment was in recognising that the triggers were all around me and every time I reacted it was me in the firing line. I got a life coach and started working on me, on my goals, on my needs. Coaching helped me keep my head whilst others around me were losing theirs.

Coaching helped me think beyond the impact of the divorce and how I would build my life again. Im not recommending this, but I fired my legal advisor and represented myself. It turned out to be one of the better decisions I made. I was back in charge and ready to handle the impact of divorce. Once I accepted where I was, I was able to recognise it as a springboard to where I wanted to be. I turned my relationship break up into a breakthrough.

You want to learn how to survive divorce? (click here)

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