Breaking up with someone for good can be a devastating emotional experience. Some people however are happy after a break up. In fact, when you think about it, it should always be possible for anyone to let go, move on and be happy.
Your heart isn't really broken. You haven't really had the wind knocked from your sails. These are just metaphors to express how you might be feeling in that moment.
The pivotal moment you know you can be happy after breaking up could be the key to your own relationship breakthrough.
You experience emotions in your own unique way but there are also common patterns, or stages of emotions. Particularly in times of emotional stress such as relationship break up. When you recognise these emotional patterns in your own life it can be like a light bulb coming on.
My wish is that you can recognise the stages of breaking up, and understand that there is light breaking through the clouds.
The emotional storms of breaking up with someone will pass.
The difference between a relationship breakdown and a break up is that breaking up is usually permanent. There may still be reunions with your ex later down the line although things will never be the same.
Our greatest challenges in life often provide the biggest opportunities for growth. None more so than breaking up for good from a long term relationship. Breaking up signifies an ending and can often lead to grieving. It can also signify a new beginning, a rebirth. Life is all about change after all.
You can have all kinds of challenges with your career, hobbies, or social life but they don't compare to the heart break of a relationship break up do they?
Professional life coaching could help you through your relationship break up so that you make decisions that are in alignment with your goals and desires. Staying friends after breaking up has it's advantages, but staying true to yourself is also important. I therefore encourage you to break up with love and compassion for your partner, and for yourself.
Have you thought to yourself "are we breaking up?" Perhaps you have experienced uncertainty. And then it happened and you were left with the sense of loss after a relationship break up.
Have you been left heartbroken over a partner or did you ever experience relief or joy that a relationship was all over?
Or maybe you had roller coaster ride between those two.
Relationship and life coaching services are designed to help you tap into your own personal power, your inner strength. You can absolutely experience a breakthrough which transforms the entire experience of breaking up with someone.
The reasons for breaking up may be the source of deep anxiety but they could also be the treasure chest of learning and self development. Some people know exactly the reasons for the break up, others are left guessing and confused. In reality the reasons for breaking up do not matter as much as acceptance.
People may find themselves in an infinity loop forever asking "why?" but never letting go and giving themselves the freedom to grow. If you are stuck in the loop, try and stop yourself before it consumes you.
You may be breaking up with a narcissist, or an alcoholic, or an abuser. You may be breaking up with your soulmate, or your twin flame. If you are happy your relationship is over, you don't want to make the same mistake again. If your heart is broken, you don't want to make the same mistake again. You don't want to repeat the same patterns, same habits, same feelings over and over again, do you?
The only person you should be asking "why" is your former partner. Only they know their reasons, and only you know yours. Could you imagine having that conversation with them. Would you be honest? Could you be specific? Would you walk away with a sense of compassion and dignity? Can you keep your ego from interfering?
Working out what went wrong in a relationship will help shift understanding but it wont always be possible to reach that place. Don't dwell on the reasons for breaking up. Acceptance is the goal, and beyond that growth will follow.
Once you have reached the point where there is no possible way to recover your relationship you will be in a transition phase. It doesn't matter if you are breaking up with your partner or they are breaking up with you the more love and dignity you bring into the transition the sooner you will be able to go beyond acceptance and into growth.
When marriages end and divorce looms the power is in the hands of the couple to determine how smooth the transition will be. However, what happens in practice is an all out bitter battle for supremacy. Perhaps there are feelings of revenge, or spitefulness. If there have been red flags in the relationship the impact my be even worse. Breaking up on those terms can be exhausting. Find out about the Impact Of Divorce and more.
So, isn't it better to fully consider the situation before hand?
Couples who enjoy a healthy relationship together for twenty years and more do so through courage, patience, tolerance, compassion and communication. Not because it was easy. Couples stay together despite the challenges because it is right for them. It may even feel like it takes more courage to patch things up, than you need to break it off.
One of the biggest reasons for breaking up is fear. It may be fear of not being enough, or fear of not being loved. More importantly, fear of breaking up is not a reason to stay together.
Instead focus upon the end result. Visualise taking a deep breath and letting go as you finally move on. See yourself smiling and happy again after breaking up. Realise that there is a bridge between where you are and where you want to be. Just peer over the bridge and recognise there are only a few steps you need to take. When you are fully ready, cross the bridge with love and dignity waving goodbye to the old you, and welcoming the new you.
One of my favourite meditations is all about compassion. The Power of Cultivating Loving Kindness is a perfect process to help you break up with dignity.
I have already alluded to two of the major emotional stages of breaking up. Acceptance and Growth. But there are four other stages that people can generally expect during times of emotional stress such as breaking up a relationship.
This is based on the stages of grieving suggested by "Dr Elizabeth Kubler Ross" in her work "On grief and grieving".
This is a useful model to develop your understanding of your emotions. The stages are presented in sequence, Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance however the experience may be sequential or you may move backwards and forwards between stages and just kind of bounce around for a while. This model does not mean you do denial first then move to stage 2. You might be angry, but later go back to denial. And so on.
The emotional stages of breaking up can affect both of you. But not necessarily equally. Just because you may experiencing one of the stages of breaking up, it doesn't mean that your ex will be too. They will experience some or all of the stages, just in their unique way.
A relationship break up can be met with disbelief especially if the breaking up with you text message comes as a suprise. Danial is a deeper emotion than disbelief. More of a refusal to believe. When organisations are shaken up and people face redundancy they are likely to say things like, "they will never do it" or "they keep threatening this but it wont happen."
Denial could also be referred to as a head in the sand phase. Refusing to look at what is looming. The danger of this phase is not anticipating what is going on around you. Not making appropriate plans or taking steps towards your future.
"Its just a trial separation."
"We'll be back together again in a week or two."
"He/She will come running and take me back any time now."
This pattern of thinking will keep someone stuck. But the important thing to remember is that this is just one of the stages of emotions.
Some people use the threat of separation or break up as a way of gaining significance in relationship. The withdrawal of love or affection to gain compliance could also be emotional abuse. When you finally come to the realisation of "Now we are breaking up!" it can lead to anger.
Anger is a powerful emotional signal that our world is not how we expected to experience it. Anger can go both ways. You can be angry with a partner for breaking up or you can be angry with yourself.
Both the person breaking up the relationship and the person on the receiving end can experience and express anger. The level of anger is what is important and the method of expression. Whilst uncontrolled anger can be destructive, feeling angry at something can provide the leverage you need to move forward.
Anger can also be a tool people use to get out of stuck states such as procrastination or depression. Whilst it may be effective in the short term, the rush of anger can become a crutch which leads to another infinite loop. Read more about the Power of Anger here.
You or your partner might display behaviour that maintains contact and attempts to avoid the finality of a relationship break up.
"Give me another chance."
"Lets stay together for the sake of the kids."
You might also notice sudden changes of behaviour. For example, your partner may be more attentive than they are usually. They may call you or text or even email. They may want to meet or they may call round to your place uninvited.
The point of bargaining is not to let go. Not to fully accept that you are breaking up. The process of bargaining in essence is a way of buying time but as is the case for Denial, it is also keeping you stuck.
The sense of hopelessness or loss of faith can have a big impact. For a while you may be experiencing an identity shift. This goes way beyond changing a relationship status on social media. The internal shifts can be awkward and confusing which can lead to depression after breaking up.
The sense of no return or the realisation that the bargaining has had no effect. It was hopeless yet necessary in the process of healing. A feeling of failure, rejection, betrayal and loss can be prominent. But it isn't necessarily permanent.
You can go into a state where solitude is all you need. You don't want to go out, you don't want to go to work. You don't want to speak to anyone. Sometimes, you need to take time out.
Don't set any audacious goals at this point. Don't try and be everything to everybody. Recognise that this is only a phase and it too shall pass.
Catch your breath. Get plenty of rest and consider your next steps when you are ready. It can be a choice now to pull through this phase. This could be an ideal time to seek out a relationship breakthrough coach. Life Coaching can light the way and provide the leverage for you to rise again.
"They think it is all over. It is now." Famous words from a 1966 football competition. What followed was wild celebrations and jubilation that England had won the world cup. And it feels as though it's been coming home again ever since. (although I think that is just denial!)
When the sun rises and you realise that the relationship really is all over you can move forward. You have reached the point where you have finally come to terms with breaking up with your long term partner.
This is the time to review the positive learnings from the relationship and move on. This is the time to recalibrate the compass and set off in your new direction. Again, this is a great time to work with a life coach to pull you forward. Focus on who you want to become. The past does not equal the future.
It is time to recognise who you were is not who you are. This is not for comparison but for drawing the line in the sand. If you have a map and compass you can go almost anywhere but you before you take even one single step, you must know where you are now.
Acceptance that comes after breaking up is the first goal. But see acceptance as merely the platform that launches a whole new, improved you. Now you are ready to grow.
This is your space. How will you fill it? What will You become?
If you cannot heal your relationship then breaking up may be the only way forward for you. The last resort when you have tried everything.
Dealing with relationship break up is easier when you have awareness for how it may be affecting you both. Breaking up with compassion for each other will massively reduce the grief that may follow.
When you experience grief it is through focusing on what we have lost. In order to transform grief we need to shift focus. Having an understand the stages of breaking up shows you the best times to make those shifts.
One to one life coaching will reconnect you with your vision, mission and goals, align with your highest values and accelerate your growth.
To Your Success
Relationship Breakthrough Coach provides life coaching for men, women and couples in Mossley, Tameside, Uppermill, Saddleworth, and all surrounding areas. I also work with english speaking international clients via Skype and Zoom.
Life coaching is a journey of self discovery. Your journey starts with your next step. You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the next step. The power of life coaching will unlock your personal power to overcome obstacles that show up while you get to work on your dreams.
I sincerely hope you found what you were looking for.
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In the meantime here are more great pages dedicated to transforming your relationship breakdown or break up into a breakthrough: